I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
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None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
R.I.P.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Need WebMD
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.