Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat