Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.