Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

bout dat hot dog summer

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off