Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
You Might Also Like
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.