Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.