Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.