Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.