I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already