I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.