I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?