I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Meanwhile in Canada…
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.