Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

I only eat vegetarians.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.