I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
