Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

turning my gender off to conserve energy

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.