I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”