I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.