I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
You Might Also Like
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?