I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
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My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
hardest line in real life
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
bout dat hot dog summer
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.