Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.