I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
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Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
New menu item
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
sry
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
