Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

applying for a new job

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*