Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

hand it over!

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl