I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people