I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN