I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
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[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.