Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.