Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
when someone compliments me
“and how does that make you feel?”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”