If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.
I always carry a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks, here, have some.”
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I’m “friends with beneficiaries” years old.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Some fairy tales start with “once upon a time”. Others start with “If I won the elections”.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump