I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
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There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
“HELP WITH CAT”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
This probably isn’t good
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.