I always carry a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks, here, have some.”

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If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.


I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.


Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.


I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive


Some fairy tales start with “once upon a time”. Others start with “If I won the elections”.


ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle


Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.


Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.


On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump