Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.