Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview