Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud