I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history