I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I never needed anything more in my life
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt