Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).