I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
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6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.