“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
You Might Also Like
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Lol.
Same post same
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking: