All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
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“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO