Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

A loan officer put a stack of his business cards on a shelf in the grocery store’s egg section.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?