I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Is this you?
