I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
From Facebook just now…
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom