Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

No, I don’t think I will.