Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

This is my cat’s medicine.

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.