The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My fan has two settings:
– Barely moving.
– Could propel a hovercraft across the Everglades.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you
Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.
My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist