I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that