@wildethingy

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

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@FreudsTwin

The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.

@UnFitz

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

@EnthonyRobbins

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

@InkedUpKidder

My fan has two settings:
– Barely moving.
– Could propel a hovercraft across the Everglades.

@Dutch_50

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

@KKAlThani

If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you

@HandfulOfLewds

Since my cat keeps waking me up at three in the morning, I’ve decided to wake him up every day at three in the afternoon.

@WeissBrandon

My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist