Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

see you in hell you stupid fruit

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

Dear Lord..