I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
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i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day