I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
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Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
My five year plan is a meteorite
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Saw this yesterday lol
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle