Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

Made something I’m not proud of

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

Thursday

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters