I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
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A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
technique
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Who’s your best friend?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going