Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea