Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

About to throw up

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

SPLOOT

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

Good for him.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful