I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?