I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
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RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
how high up are we talkin’?
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”