Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*