Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Gross if literal…Liverpool

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.