Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

S O O N

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Hey Fugeddaboutit

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

🤣🤣

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

The 4 stages of a family vacation