Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions