Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

My dad teaching me to drive

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions