Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.