I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
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I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping