I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
You Might Also Like
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.