Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

sailors wish they could swear like me

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Perfect

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.