I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
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My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Yoga Matt
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them