I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
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What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
out-housing market appears to be strong
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.