Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.