Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

Spring of Deception

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.