I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
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I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Don’t snitch tag.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
bought wrong eggs
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.