Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

#gardening

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.