I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.