Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

An odd boast

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”