Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

my mom making me talk to relatives

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.