I always check on the non existent cake in the oven when the dryer timer goes off.
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Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Order here:
More here:
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
