Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

accidentally got decaf coffee beans or as my wife calls them, “grounds for divorce”

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

What have I done to deserve this oh yeah

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper