Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.