Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

Sir!!

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.